elgeeko’s blog

In The Theory of Education in the United States, Albert Nock writes that education can be divisive, isolating, and unforgiving. Though I consider education an enlightening and necessary process, I agree with Nock’s assessment. Education can be cold, competitive, and at times intimidating.

Nock’s critique has become increasingly relevant in my life, especially since I determined that I will not pursue a career in academia (your children have been spared). Unlike vocational training or group work, education seeks highly specialized knowledge to which I hold in the highest regard, though its very nature requires an enveloping commitment that converts happy humans into subverted PhD-wielding monks.

I am completely engrossed in and disoriented by an existential crisis. School may end, or not; work may be in Silicon Valley, or not; home may be in America, or not; I may be Hot, or Not. Friends have disappeared as they are hiccupped out of the churning belly of academia. Even my Facebook relationship status has changed (I am now remarried to The’Open Sea). In such a state of flux - perhaps despair - it is difficult to contextualize and prioritize the opportunities ahead of me.

Great things come from flux. Changing magnetic fields generate electricity. Changing air pressure carries music. Changing philosophies bring enlightenment. I do not believe (though I should hope) my current existential flux shall result in such useful and beautiful impacts, however the self-centric universe (of which, in the interest of resolving ambiguity, I am the unchallenged monarch) simply cannot fathom a more intricate challenge.

The first action one should take when a ship begins to sink is to drop ballast. (I have a particularly morose image of the Staten Island Ferry struggling to remain afloat while it is ticker-taped by a bulbous confetti of fat people hoisted overboard by the skinny.) The existential persona is perhaps best left to sink completely, leaving only its most crucial and necessary artifacts to be salvaged from the wreckage. The crack in the hull formed after I attended a number of events in Napa, with the hopes of connecting with sophisticated, well-traveled conversationalists. Instead I found this culture offered only gaudiness and booze. It was during a random couch-surfing party where I shared little in common with others by face value but connected with so many people - through poetry, music, stories of travels, and the kindness of strangers - that I began to take on water. Off course and sinking, I dropped the ballast of a fanatical commitment to academics, but it was too late and my personality sank to the bottom of the ocean.

I encountered the first artifact of my prior self not by salvage, but buoyancy. Floating atop the misty aftermath of my existential shipwreck was the need to connect with people. Sadly, and perhaps the result of education, this artifact was badly tarnished, but recoverable. I thought how detached and reserved I had been while working in Corporate America. I thought how myopic I had been in academic pursuits. I thought of how critical I can be of others and how difficult it can be for me to significantly connect with another person.

Of all the sunken treasures of my former personality that I hope to recover, I believe the need to connect with others is most crucial. I too often find myself wearing the “Safety Mask” that was instilled by my doctrinal family: pleasant but not too pleasant, interested but not opinionated, safe and never contrary is how one speaks to another. What a soulless, hollow existence if life were lived behind such a mask. It is now my task to revisit this behavior, as I have before in my past, to take off all of the masks - layered as they may be - to express my true self. (Sartre buffs will find humor in this last statement.)

Other artifacts that will likely be recovered from watery depths are my confidence, my sense of loyalty, and a damp ego that may, as many have hoped, shrink upon drying.

I end this entry with the hope of beginning a candid and open discussion. Feel free to reply below with your thoughts.

Should your personality sink to the bottom of the ocean, which artifacts would effortlessly float to the top? Which artifacts would you seek tirelessly to salvage? Which parts would you leave anchored to the murky bottom?

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